Partial Update.

[sister_luck]

I wasn't kidding when I said I had a "couple of extraordinarily shitty days" and there seems to be a lot of shit currently flying around when I look at my friendslist and the world in general. It's a small comfort that I'm not the only one dealing with scary and painful events.

I feel the need to talk about what's been going on, but I don't know who to burden with it. I know, pain shared is pain halved and all that, and I know I have every right to be a drama queen about it, but then I'm not very good at asking for help. The boyfriend and I haven't told anyone and it's tearing me apart. He hasn't told his parents, I haven't told mine, I suddenly feel very friendless and even my colleagues don't dare to call and ask me why I have been off sick again for a couple of days.

And so far I have avoided telling you, too, and I guess I'm still half-way stuck between denial and guilt and I'll talk about it when I'm ready for it. Though you're not stupid and by now probably have deduced that I had another miscarriage.

Maybe I should focus on the positive stuff?

My gynaecologist reassured me that as I'm still 'only' 34 and got pregnant quickly I could easily manage to have two or three kids. There's a catch though: For that to work out I'll have to have surgery on my misshapen uterus. I've got the address of a specialist and she told me he is brilliant.

The procedure to remove all remnants of the pregnancy went well and was done in an outpatient clinic on Wednesday, so I didn't have to go to hospital. There was less physical pain than last time and but for the cold that I have on top of everything else and the crying fits I could have said goodbye on Friday to the Year 13 students at their leaving ceremony.

There is so much more, good and bad, and there are lots of complicated feelings and I'll probably dissect them (which is my way of dealing) until I'm done. The weekend is set aside for more grieving and for getting rid of my cold and for talking to people and what does it say about me and you that I've started with a bunch of virtual people?

Comments

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Looks like I'm taking a break from Marking Hell at the right moment!

I'm sorry sista about that last miscarriage. I had a friend who went through several ones, and struggled to get pregnant again in between, before having a completed pregnancy. Still it isn't fair.

I agree with your doctor, it's a good sign that you got pregnant so quickly but I understand your current distress and the fact that this isn't an easy topic to share on LJ for various reasons.

On the other hand, you obviously needed to talk about it and I'm glad that you decided that you could post this. I hope it will help you to cope with the situation. If you need to vent on or dissect, just do it, your readers will deal no matter their own feelings and possible baggages. Some may remain quiet, others may comment and even find the right words. I am not sure I did, but I'm here for you.

*hugs*

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

Thank you and you did find good words.

I'm grieving and I'm scared of going to that specialist. I'm not good with doctors.

*hugs back*

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Doctors ate always kind of scary, especially the specialists. I guess it's like putting our life in their hands, literally or not. They are powerful people, those ones, because of their knowledge and skills. They make us feel vulnerable.

I would be scared too, but that surgery is probably something that is quite banal for the doctor in question, and if it prevents miscarriage it's of the good. It's an option that women from the past didn't have much.

Take your time to come to terms with what happened, get rid of that bloody cold and when you are fully rested you'll see an appointment with the specialist in another light.

Courage!


PS: I forgot to add in my response above that I am not a virtual person, I'm real! ;- )

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Doctors "are" not "ate"...Freudian slip?

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

Definitely Freudian! BTW, the specialist who dug out my wisdom teeth turned out to be charming and very reassuring. And even though I made whimpering noises during the procedure it wasn't as bad as I expected.

I'm glad that nowadays doctors can do so much more.

Oh, I actually count you as one of the real people, because I've met you in person. On the other hand, even the people I haven't met would insist that they're real...

Explaining myself again....

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

Oh, in a roundabout way I meant to say with my little story about the dental surgeon that I hope that your doctor will be just as nice and skillful.

Re: Explaining myself again....

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

I got it, you didn't need to explain. :- )

The stomato was nice yesterday (he's a 23 July baby like me !) and he seems to know what he's doing. I just hope it won't be too traumatizing and painful given that I have so many papers to mark, and that it won't spoil my holidays in India (he told me that the complete healing process takes 4 months).

My experiences again:

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

I know that wisdom teeth are a different kettle of fish but when I got them out only one of them had surfaced so there was a lot of cutting involved and it all went extremely well. He did the more difficult side first and I was lucky that there wasn't much bruising - lots of cooling packs and liquid food helped, so stock up on that kind of thing. I still remember that I got the second side out on a Friday and on the Tuesday after that I ate a pizza with a real crust - very carefully, so I'm optimistic that it won't spoil your holiday too much!

[frances-lievens.livejournal.com]

Sweetheart, you know where I am.

I understand you don't like to talk about it to me, but I feel with you.

Don't be scared to write these things off your chest on LJ. You know and can choose who you want to talk to. We're here to listen, and at least offer virtual *hugs* if you need them.

I'm off school in a week. Do you want me to come over for a day (or a couple of days?) That might make me and you a little less virtual.

*more hugs*

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

Right now I'm not very good at thinking ahead - I haven't even thought about Monday: I'm supposed to be at school because we're moving staffrooms. Maybe my lessons have been cancelled for that, but that only just occurred to me, so I'll have to call someone tomorrow to find out. I also need to pick up some costumes that I was due to hand back on Thursday.

So, I like your offer for meeting up, and I'd like to do that at some point, I'm sure, but right now I'm not quite up to making plans. (Oh, and I've got this nasty cold that I definitely don't want to pass on to you.)

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

Oh and yes, I'll probably take you up on the offer of talking some more in the next couple of days.

[frances-lievens.livejournal.com]

I'm not quite up to making plans either. I've got a lot of stuff going in the next week: saying goodbye to pupils, saying goodbye to a dear friend who's moving to France. Then there's a lot of housey stuff going on, but starting June 30th I'll be fully relaxed with heaps of spare time. :-)

But we'll talk more in a couple of days, 'kay?

[comava.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear of this. I hope that writing it out and speaking about it here helped, and that you do feel a bit better now that the pain is shared a bit. Und wenns dir leichter fällt zuerst online darüber zu sprechen, so seis halt! Gerade die Tatsache dass die Anderen nur als Worte auf dem Bildschirm erscheinen kann manchmal eben vorteilhaft sein.

Focusing on the positive is always a smart thing to do... but also much easier said than done, so I'm glad you managed to speak with us so that we can encourage you! Ein brillianter Spezialist hört sich doch viel versprechend an und die Chancen stehen offenbar auch sonst noch gut. Die Aussicht auf eine Operation ist natürlich beängstigend aber wir stehen dir bei... und bestimmt tun das auch sonst viele, auch wenn es dir schwer fällt dass im Moment zu sehen. Es ist gut wenn du dir Zeit nimmst zum trauern, hoffentlich hat dir dieses Weekend dabei genützt. Ich hoffe auch dass du dich nicht mehr schuldig fühlst, es ist ein furchtbar schlimmer Zufall wofür du nichts kannst, und du darfst dich dafür selber nicht unter Druck setzten, you know?

And it's true, we've never met but I can assure you I'm very real and not just words on a screen. :)

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

Awww, thanks. It is indeed a good feeling that I've got so many friends who offer support and kind words.

I'm feeling much better today - the cold isn't quite as bad and I read a couple of books and played a couple of silly wordgames and solved a few crosswords and talked both to online and real life friends.

[emilyire.livejournal.com]

Sweetie I'm so sorry to hear that. I know everything will be small comfort at a time like this but at least you know that it isn't hopeless and the doctor sees no reason for you not getting pregnant again in the future. Words seem useless at a time like this but take one day at a time and allow yourself your grief.

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

Thank you - I'm trying to be optimistic, but I'm naturally prone to worrying...