Full disclosure.

[sister_luck]

Well, not quite full, this is - at this stage - a filtered post. I might open it up depending on how I feel about doing so, but it will always be a locked post.

I've only posted sporadically in the last eight weeks or so and I'm going to tell you why. I'm writing this down for my benefit because I believe it's going to help me and I also want you to know about it because it explains my absence. It's not that I actually feel that I owe you an explanation or apology. I don't want to bask in your sympathy - this is not a 'Pity me!' post.
I just want to be open about it. I also don't want to mention it in passing in an off-hand or even flippant sort of way. That's not the way to deal.

Okay, before your imagination runs wild (has she been abducted by aliens? did she break up with her boyfriend? - sorry, a little flippancy IS part of how I deal), here's the condensed version of the last eight weeks:



In early December I peed on a stick for the first time in my life. Within seconds it was clear that I was pregnant. It wasn't entirely unexpected or unplanned, but still a shock. Lots of conflicting emotions: happiness mixed with a lot of worry and apprehension.

The first tests went fine, but you never know whether it will last at this early stage, so we only told our immediate family. My body started to change, my eating habits became much more sensible and while I wasn't able to feel full-blown giddiness we were happy and proud and excited to be part of this huge adventure.

The first time I started bleeding was scary, but there was no pain and after a couple of days of rest things had stabilised somewhat. Not enough to allow me back to work, but enough so that I felt confident enough to post again, a little cryptically but hoping to be able to share the good news soon when I was past that 12 weeks threshold.

Sadly, the bleeding started again and this time it was stronger and there was pain. I ended up in hospital on Sunday (always the weekend....) and during the night I lost the baby. It was rather traumatic so I'll spare you the details. Now I'm sniffling again, but I'm fine with that. Early on Monday morning I had my first general anaesthesia to make sure that everything had come away. I was back home on Monday night and glad to sleep in my own bed.

The last couple of days have been really rough. Yesterday, after a morning of preparatory crying fits I collected all the leaflets and paperwork connected to my pregnancy in a folder and put it away. Big first step.

There are still lots of difficult situations ahead though. My parents don't know yet because they are away on a skiing trip and they have their mobiles switched off for most of the day and I don't want to text them. Anyway, they said they were going to call.
I'm worried about the test results and what my doctor will say.
Going back to school will be hard. All the supervisors know and two of my closest colleagues. I think I'll tell the teachers in my year.
Then, in a couple of weeks or days, I'll get the hospital bills.

So, this is where I am. The whole experience will stay with me and shape me, but it won't define me and the pain will be stronger on some days than on others. Right now, I'm really rational about it but a minute ago there were some physical symptoms that made me cry and laugh at the same time because of their absurdity.



I watched Torchwood last night and enjoyed that immensely. I'm busy with prep for my classes and last night I spent nearly an hour on the phone with one of my colleagues which was lovely. Maybe my students got their reports today - I'm told the computer system kept fouling up though I suppose most of the fault lies with the users....

The boyfriend has been my rock throughout all of this and I love him so very much.

Comments

[harper47.livejournal.com]

I'm so so sorry. It's so hard to go through this. Hard, sad and scary. If it helps my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage also. So if you are worried about future pregnancies, just think of me and the 5 pixikins floating about.

It takes a long time to get over this though so let yourself cry when you need to. Diaper commercials used to kill me.

Yea for a supportive boyfriend. And huggles.

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

It is reassuring that there are so many other women out there who have experienced this.

I've always believed in the therapeutic value of crying, so I do cry when I feel like it. It helps.

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry sista. What happened isn't that unusual, but you probably know it, and I'm sure that your doctor will reassure you eventually when you get the test results, still it's painful and it seems so unfair when it happens either to yourself or to someone you love. Nature often knows its way but can be such a bitch!

*big hugs*

As you said, it's about going step by step.

*hugs you again*

When will you go back to school?

PS: I haven't see the Torchwood eppy yet. Everybody has been squeeing about it so I've grown wary, but if you say it's good, it must be watchable.

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

Awwww, thanks.

I am off school up to and including Monday. I've got two lessons on Tuesday and I'll go if I feel up to it. I've got a doctor's appointment in the afternoon and we'll decide then if I need any more time for myself.

The Torchwood ep is watchable and it was exactly what I needed. All the Whedon references are a bit much especially at the beginning, but then the story itself gets going and yeah, it's slightly predictable, but it was the piece of fluff that I needed. Also, there were a couple of moments when I really enjoyed JM's acting.

[frenchani.livejournal.com]

Fluff is good when needed.

I've seen KKBB now. I totally agree with you. Entertaining, mostly thanks to Captain John. I wish the writing were refreshing instead of just stealing many references from the Whedonverse or Terminator, etc (also the many hidden weapons thing came from a movie but I can't remember which one) but James was quite good there. He managed many different facial expressions and fleshed out his character.

I really have a problem with John Barrowman though...

Speaking of predictable stuff, could they be more obvious about the meant-to-be-but-not-coming-before-a-long-time Gwen/Jack 'ship?

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

I think the hidden weapons are just one of those clichés that crop up in so many films that no one knows anymore who did this first. But in a way the predictability is somehow comforting and also told the audience what to expect of the character.

John Barrowman has never impressed me that much - I'm not sure whether it's the character or his acting skills, but he often is too much of a blank canvas for me. Maybe it's exactly because parts of the Captain's past are still unclear, but somehow I think it's not really that.

[kazzy-cee.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry about this sad news. I'm so glad you have support from your boyfriend and I'm sure your family will give you a lot of support when they come home too.

Give yourself time to grieve, and don't feel guilty about doing it.

*hugs*

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your kind words.

I'm totally guilt-free about the crying etc. Hope it stays that way.

[kashmanik.livejournal.com]

Oh, that's such a shame. I really feel for you, and I know it must be tough, but I also know you're strong enough to come through this. *hug*

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

Thanks. How are you? We haven't heard from you for a while now - isn't it time for another update post?

[kashmanik.livejournal.com]

I'm doing alright, thanks. Looking forward to finishing university (my classes end in March, I hand in my dissertation in May, then graduate in July!) I'll have to update tomorrow - it's been 14 weeks, apparently. Even though I do still read everyone elses journals, I never get around to doing mine. :-)

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

Oh wow - that's cool. Hope the rush during those stressful months won't be too bad. *toi, toi, toi*

[distractogirl.livejournal.com]

I can't say anything that doesn't sound trite... I will say that my mother had several miscarriages, and she still had me, so there is hope!

*sends love and hugs*

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

Thanks - again, I appreciate every kind word.

[frances-lievens.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry. I was getting worried about things when I didn't see you online anymore (see my cryptic post...). Now I feel rotten...

*love and hugs*

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

Thanks - I saw your cryptic post and I've got half a reply sitting in my outbox which I wrote yesterday morning, but then a) didn't quite know what to say and b) wasn't entirely sure the cryptic was about me.

Anyway, the words didn't come yesterday, but today they just wanted to be written.

[frances-lievens.livejournal.com]

Well, it was a couple of things rolled into one, but yeah you were in there. Persons do tend to melt together in my cryptic posts.

It's good to write. Things seem clearer then sometimes.

*more hugs*

[comava.livejournal.com]

Wie furchtbar. Ich hab schon bei den Lily Allen news gedacht wie schlimm es wohl sein muss und dann las ich den cut text... Es tut mir so leid für dich und den Freund.

*hugs*

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

Danke. Ich habe eben kurz mit meinen Eltern telefoniert (sie waren noch auf der Autobahn) und heute abend telefonieren wir dann richtig.

[comava.livejournal.com]

Für die Eltern ist es sicher auch schwierig aber es tut bestimmt gut wenn sie für dich da sind. Ich hoffe die test results fallen nicht schlimm aus.

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

Ich habe lange mit meiner Stiefmutter telefoniert, was gut war, aber noch nicht mit meinen Vater, den das bestimmt sehr mitgenommen hat (family history and all that).

I'm trying not to worry about any results - depending on what it is it might actually be very helpful.

[gillo]

I'm so very sorry. It is right that you mourn now, and you should not attempt to deny your loss. Some silly people see this as not a "real" bereavement, but it really, genuinely is. Life will be tough for a while, and expect to feel dreadful around the due date. You will survive and go on to be a happy mother, I'm sure - remember something like 25% of all pregnancies miscarry, and there is absolutely no reason this is symptomatic of anything wrong with you. Just of tragically bad luck.

{{hugs}}

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the hugs and for the kind words.

I know that there are some ups and downs ahead. The school year will be stressful so I've got plenty of work stuff to throw myself into but I'll allow myself some space when I need it.

[emilyire.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry to hear your sad news. You seem to be coping very well, considering and it's great that your relationship with your boyfriend is so strong that you can support each other.

[sister-luck.livejournal.com]

Thank you.